An Open Letter to my Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend

Trigger warning: this post discusses an abusive relationship; do not read if you are easily trigged by this topic. And please, if you are a victim of domestic violence, call your national hotline and seek help.

Hi there,

I’m not sure if you know of me other than the “horror” stories he may have told you. I’m not addressing you as bitter or jealous – I’m far from it, actually. The events of last year are so far away that I couldn’t even will myself to be jealous, even if I tried extremely hard.

I’m not sure if you’re even a girlfriend, but the few friends of mine that keep in touch with him have told me he’s dating someone again. This letter isn’t meant to harm either of you, but it is a warning.

When he and I dated two years ago (it seems so far away now), I was on cloud nine. I was so happy that I had found someone who seemed to be the right guy. I thought he was sweet, kind, caring; basically, he was a good guy. Not to say that he isn’t one now, but he most certainly is not the nicest person. Nor am I for writing this, I assume.

Anyway… If you’d like read about all the horrible things he did to me, click here. I’ll give you some highlights.

Being in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship is… I’m trying to think of a word to describe it, but I can’t. These types of relationships are never easy to deal with and overcome. Speaking from experience, I’m still dealing with the effects certain aspects of the relationship have had on me. I still have nightmares of memories, I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

So here’s the deal: he will treat you well, he’ll pay for meals, drive you places, kiss you in public… He’ll do everything he can to hook you in. Then, the little fights will start. He’ll probably flirt with another girl in front of you, text his ex-girlfriend in front of you then blame you when you bring it up. He’ll start calling you “stupid” and “idiotic,” only to apologize with “I love you baby, you know that.”

He’ll start making you question yourself. When he does something that doesn’t sit right with you, and you bring it up, he’ll turn around and ask you why you think he’s such a horrible person. He’ll turn it around and tell you that you’re insane for ever doubting him.

When he continues to flirt with other women and disregards your wants and needs from the relationship, you’ll get angry. You’ll be frustrated and you’ll question if you’re worthy of him (spoiler alert: he’s not worthy of you.) When bigger fights arise, the fun really starts. You’ll be called a stupid bitch, a fat fuck, a fat cow, a fat pig, a stupid whore, a fucking slut… He’ll tell you that he wishes you were dead, that you would be found in a ditch somewhere, that he could rid himself of you.

I would really like to tell you more, but as my hands are shaking and my breath has caught in my throat, it’s far too raw still for me to articulate. But you get the picture. He isn’t always who he says he is. He pays for your meals and holds your hand in public, yet behind closed doors he screams in your face and breaks you down.

I’m sure in regards to our relationship, he’s told you that I was crazy, that I did things to keep him in the relationship. And sure, that’s definitely one way of looking at it. But what he needs to understand, and what you and others need to understand, is that my actions were reactions due to the horribly abusive nature of my relationship. In a powerless partnership, I did what I could to get the upper hand. I’m not say the way I acted was wrong or right; however, it is justified. I wasn’t “crazy” for no reason. I was driven mad by someone who would tell me I deserved to die then told me he loved me. I was driven insane by someone who threatened to cheat on me every time I did something he deemed wrong.

So please read this and heed my warning. I’m not trying to infringe on either of your happiness, but I hope you continue this relationship with caution. I hope these words stick with you (like that have, me) and that if you get one inkling of abusive thrown your way, you leave. Do not be me and “stick it out” for over a year. Do not give into his threats of suing you if you leave – they’re empty threats, but they definitely scared me enough to stay.

And if he’s learned his lesson from our relationship, I wish you two the best. I hope that he can learn from the mistakes he made with me and the girlfriends before me.

I’ll end this letter-thing with a quote I saw today on tumblr. It was random but I think it summarizes this well:

I loved a boy who didn’t appreciate me and it fucked me up.

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