The 5 Stages of Dysfunctional Family Dinners

My family is crazy. I mean, we’re crazy. Our dinner talks revolve around politics, Kim Kardashian, zombie apocalypse plans and old movies. We laugh, we cry from laughing so hard, and we occasionally fart at the table (though no one will ever admit it’s them.) If your family is anything like mine, your family dinners probably go through these five stages.

1. Awkward greetings and catching up

The first stage of family dinners is gathering everyone up and catching up on lost time. With my family, it’s usually asking me and my cousins about our school work and our upcoming semesters. Because I live in LA yet go to school on the east coast, the most typical opener is, “How’s the weather there? Cold, right?” It’s the east coast. It’s always cold there.

2. Opening statements

When everyone’s seated at the table, someone will probably open with “So that Kim Kardashian is doing this now…” or “What do you think of Bill Cosby?” Well, at least we’re starting off with all the drama so we’ll have time to discuss petty things later. This usually leads into a heated debate where most family members try and discuss passionate topics with as little passion as possible. (Side note: I only used that gif because my dad’s name is Phil and he enjoys imposing his opinions on us all the time; side note side note: love ya dad.)

3. Conversation lulls

Once current events are out of the way and you’re stuffing your face with crescent rolls and pasta, the table gets awkwardly quiet. This is usually when a (probably drunk) relative starts talking about movies from their days. Personally, my dad and uncle talk about who beat whom at the 1982 Oscars. I’m not kidding. That comes up 9/10 times we eat together.

4. The kids get bored

My cousins and I are all close in age; we range from 17 to 22. When the adults start talking about the 80’s, we immediately tune them out. This is usually when we take out our phones to tweet things going on at the table, or we take embarrassing photos of each other (that we save for blackmail.)

5. Apples to apples 

There’s one thing that always makes our family dinners complete. Apples to apples. This word association game is quite possibly the worst and greatest invention of the 21st century. Because we’re too lazy to purchase Cards Against Humanity, we’ll play Apples alá Cards Against Humanity. Summary: the more politically incorrect you are, the more likely you are to win. Previous winners have been “Selfish Anne Frank,” “Misunderstood Adolf Hitler,” “Sexy Hellen Keller” and “Awkward Schindler’s List.” However, we’ll also choose some wild cards, i.e. “Fuzzy Wheat.”

I’m not sure if this post was made to tell you about my weird family because we’re one-of-a-kind or I’m trying to see if there are others like us. Regardless, my family is totally awesome and I wouldn’t change them at all.

Image credit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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